My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
