He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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