he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
