Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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