i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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