did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
