so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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