I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
