Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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