I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
