I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
