i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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