he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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