i think my tv is drunk
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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