Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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