Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need a beard to bite.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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