I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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