he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
