i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
