Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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