I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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