if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
