3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
