So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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