Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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