You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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