last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
