today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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