What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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