She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
