I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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