i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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