he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
