I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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