Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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