so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
