who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
