today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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