Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
