Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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