first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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