I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
