Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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