I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize