dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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