it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
