I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
