i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
