would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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