your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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