oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
