Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
