Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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