And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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