HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
