I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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