alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
