Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
