it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
