Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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